I was quite shocked when I first realised what I liar I had become in order to maintain my image as a 'nice guy'. I don't mean that I lied for devious motives. It was more that I was lying to myself as much as to anyone. My lies took the form of denying that I had any thoughts, feelings or impulses that a nice guy would not have.
Of course, the reality is that every human being experiences the full range of emotions and the full range of motives. What is important is what thoughts and feelings we cultivate and which parts of ourselves we nurture and allow to grow. I had become rather mistrusting of any kind of anger and aggressive feelings. I had began to think of myself as having two parts of myself; a good part that only wanted to relate kindly to other and a bad part that got angry and seemed to want to be unkind. It was only later that I began to see how shallow this view was. I began to see that I did no always tell people the truth. I would hide things from them that I thought they would find painful, even when my hiding something from them was going to hurt them more in the long run.
Like many things that I have learned, I was taught the reality of what I was doing by a woman. I got to know a very 'nice' woman. She was outwardly very kind and gentle. However, after spending time with her on a few occasions she avoided me. I really liked her, but she seemed to want nothing to do with me. I felt hurt and confused. Had I done or said something wrong? If so, there was no tangible sign of this from her. Indeed, she remained outwardly very friendly - sort of. But, I began to notice that she would not talk to me if she could avoid it and not speak to me any longer than she had to. I realised that I felt more hurt than if she would just have told me what was wrong. At least then there would have been a chance to resolve the situation.
Her pretending that everything was OK, but avoiding me at the same time, was a kind of 'crazy making' experience. It made me wonder what I did to deserve it. I thought, "I would never do that to anyone. Would I?". I consoled myself with, " I would have told her if she had done something that bothered me." When I looked further I realised this was not true. I would not have told her. I would probably have done just what she was doing to me. If I had a problem with someone rather than risk confrontation or 'hurting their feelings' I would avoid them. Which is probably exactly what this woman was doing. Now that I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of this 'passive aggressive' behavior, it made me wonder how many people I had hurt in this way over the years. When I was a nice person I would sometimes respond to people with silent disapproval and withdrawal. This showed great arrogance and cruelty.
I began to realise that my 'angry' self was sometimes much more truthful than my 'nice' self. I also began to realise that the times that I began to feel an inexplicable anger arise were usually after I had avoided saying or doing something out of fear of making someone feel uncomfortable. My nice self was a prisoner of what others would think of me; my angry self could not care less about others opinions. My anger was like the warning light in a car telling me that there was an underlying issue that needed to be dealt with. At the very least, it was offering me useful information.
My issue was one of appropriate assertiveness. How to treat others kindly, yet speak the truth even when it was going to make them feel uncomfortable. My naive belief was that nice guys avoid making other people feel bad. It had taken me quite a while to realise that 'tough love' is sometimes required and that any relationship that cannot support honesty is not worth having.
Being a nice guy also made me incredibly lonely and isolated. After all I was a stranger to myself, so how could I feel connected to anyone else. I was constantly rejecting valid parts of myself, which I had judged as bad. No wonder, therefore, I experienced much rejection in my personal life. After all, life often mirrors back to us what we do to ourselves. Nice guys finish last, because nice guys relegate even the best of themselves to the back of the line.
I also realised that, in my case, that my nice guy image was a form of moral cowardice. I was sometimes avoiding making a stance for what I believed in and what I felt was right. Eventually I began to become more balanced. I got better at asserting what I felt was true even if it meant I had to get past feeling afraid of blowing my 'nice guy' image. I realized my anger embodied the solution to my problem and that what I needed to do was to learn to channel that energy in healthy ways by asserting my views, my boundaries, or asking to get my needs met. I learned to do so in ways that also respected the views, boundaries and needs of others.
As this progressed, I felt less lonely as I became more a friend to myself and more tolerant of my own needs and my own quirks. And, of course, by having a better connection to my authentic self I have become much better and creating meaningful connections with others. I am no longer as nice a guy as I once was. But, I have better relationships and I am a good deal happier. Ironically, when I do feel like being nice I now make a very much better job of it…
Resources for evercoming Nice Guy Syndrome:
Double Your Dating Don't be put of by the naff title. This guy is excellent. I highly recommend signing up for his newsletter (its free, very good indeed, and you don't get spammed). Nice Guy Syndrome How men get into being excessive as Nice Guys, how they can get out of it and how women can help them.
Confessions of a reformed 'Nice Guy'