What do women want? Tell-a-Friend!

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What do women want?

I have to be careful how I ask that age-old question if I really want an answer. It might not actually be the right question. It really depends what I want to know. The problem I have with the question "What do women want?" is that it is very general and unspecific. It does not tie things down to when, where and from whom. In order to be empowered around an issue I need to give it the right focus. Keeping an important question too general keeps the focus too general and is disempowering. I reckon that the more focus I give to an issue in the questions I formulate then the more empowered I am to find an answer. A clearly focused question gives me 'juice' to respond, an unfocussed question does not.

Sometimes the context that I ask the question gives it focus. If I ask the above question in the context of a discussion about male/female relationships then I can safely assume that the question is really "What do women want from men?", or something along those lines.

What do women want from men?

So, I've got my question clarified a bit and I can feel ideas popping up. However, it is still fairly general as different kinds of women are going to want different things depending on upbringing and so on. Also, emotionally well-balanced and healthy women are going to be have different expectations than emotionally unhealthy women. If I am asking the question because I want better relationships with healthy women then the question gets a bit more focused still and becomes maybe something like; "What do healthy women want from men?".

What do healthy women want from men?

Now I am starting to get somewhere. I can feel a lot less angst and frustration when I ask myself "What do healthy women want from men?" than the two previous questions.

I guess for one thing they want healthy men. I know only to well from being a Nice Guy how often women complain about Male Bastards. I have also noticed that I have a Male Bastard streak in me that I don't let out. It especially comes up when I get angry and disillusioned with being a Nice Guy. I have seen good reasons not to let my Male Bastard side out. After all, how can I when I have heard so many women complain so often about Male Bastard behavior? It is a dilemma though, as after telling me so much about their anguish they would often immediately head off to go back to the guy they had just been complaining about. Hmmm.

If I want to have relationships with healthy women then I need to be a healthy man. I wonder what that looks like and whether I am up to it? However, it feels like I am making progress as I have clarified the question and it is now, "What do healthy women want from healthy men?".

What do healthy women want from healthy men?

Well, that brings up a lot of issues. I am still not sure what being A Healthy Man looks like. I am a bit of a reformed Nice Guy and I know that did not work. It certainly never felt particularly healthy a lot of the time. I don't really want to be a bastard to women, as I don't see how that can be healthy either. Besides I reckon that Nice Guys and Male Bastards are just opposite sides of the same coin. From what I can see I've got both of them inside me and just swinging between the two of them does not look like offering much. I guess the question is now, "How can I become what healthy women want?".

How can I become what healthy women want?

Well, that is tough question to ask as it feels like I have to acknowledge that I don't feel particularly wanted by healthy women. At least, not in the way I'd like to be. It seems like my Nice Guy behavior has really let me down.

However, there is another side to the story. A friend of mine was somewhat of a typical Male Bastard. I always envied him, as he seemed so great at attracting lots of really lovely women. Then, one day I was joking with him about that. He paused for a moment and looked down at his feet. Then he told me how it was for him. He told me that he was horrified to have recently become aware that virtually all the women he had ever been involved with had been abused at some time in their lives. He said he now knew that how he related to them was just more of the same abuse that they were used to, and that was why they were attracted to him.

Well, that was a shock I must say. I had known this guy for years and spent most of that time wishing I had what he had. He made it plain that there was nothing for which I should envy him. He even implied that he envied the way I managed to be friends with women, as that was something he never felt able to do! He slept with them, but never felt close to them. This was all very poignant, as he had "pulled" some women that I particularly fancied. Obviously his behavior is not what healthy women really want either.

It is also important to remember that, "Those who live by the sword die by the sword." and that the only way a Male Bastard really settles down is when he meets a women who can outgun him by being even more of a bastard than him.

I had become disillusioned with being a Nice Guy and my friend had underlined the fact that becoming a Male Bastard was not the answer either. It made me wonder, "How can I be a healthy man?".

How can I be a healthy man?

Now that is an interesting question. I imagine that a healthy man will naturally attract healthy women. However, I want to be healthy anyway aside from what women want, or don't want.

I like this question just now, as it feels better than going around wondering what women want. I may come to back wondering what women want, but it is good to put it aside for a while. I don't want to live my life just to suit other people and certainly not to the extent that I get tempted to behave in ways that are phony. I want good relationships, of course. I want good relationships with women (and also an intimate relationship with a woman). However, I also want to be my own man. That means I need to have a good relationship with myself.

There must be some approach that would allow me to be authentic and attract healthy women. Nice Guys are good at creating friendships with women, but is not so good at getting lovers. Male Bastards are good at getting lovers, but not so good at sustaining friendships with women. Perhaps to be a healthy man I need to combine the best qualities of a Nice Guy with the best qualities of a Male Bastard?

The positive qualities of Nice Guy are things like; being a good listener, sympathetic, caring and responsible. What about the good qualities of Male Bastard? Are there any? Well there are if I think about it. The good qualities of Male Bastards are things like; being confident, bold, independent and exciting.

It is interesting to look at what women say about the down side of Nice Guys. Like most Nice Guys I am very familiar with the down side of Male Bastards (I/we get to hear it often enough), but not so familiar with the down side of Nice Guys. There must be a down side or they would be snapping is up, right? If we look at what women say about the negative sides of Nice Guys, they say Nice Guys can be needy, boring, timid, insecure and tend to behave like doormats (ouch! - I am an reforming Nice Guy after all).

If we look at what women say about the negative sides of Male Bastards they say they never listen and are irresponsible, not dependable, offhand, uncaring and behave in domineering ways.

Let's map those traits out in a table:

Nice Guy: Positive Traits	Male Bastard: Negative Traits
Good listener	Never listens
Sympathetic	Offhand
Caring	Uncaring
Responsible	Irresponsible
Affable	Domineering
Dependable	Not dependable
Sensitive	Insensitive
Male Bastard: Positive Traits	Nice Guy: Negative Traits
Independent	Needy
Exciting	Boring
Bold	Timid
Confident	Insecure
Deliberate	Doormat
Assertive	Passive aggressive
Thick-skinned	Easily offended

Isn't it interesting that the positive qualities of Male Bastard offset the negative side of Nice Guy; and that the positive side of being a Male Bastard offset the negative qualities of Nice Guy? Mind you, that is partly because I deliberately tried to do that when creating the table! However, it was really easy to do which tends to confirm that both Male Bastard and Nice Guy are just two sides of the same coin. Or, rather, two sides of the same person.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

Not only no more Mr. Nice Guy, but no more Mr. Male Bastard either. I can see that I have always been a bit of a Male Bastard too it is just that it was heavily repressed. Maybe all Male Bastards have a repressed Nice Guy? Maybe they are afraid that if they let it out they will lose what they have.

Of course most of us are not purely 100% Nice Guy or purely 100% Male Bastard. We usually display a mixture of the two. This again tends to suggest they we do have both a Nice Guy and a Male Bastard inside us. That is why the much touted advice 'just be your self' does not work. That's what got me into trouble in the first place. Which self are we talking about anyway? If I am predominantly stuck on one aspect of myself and am wary of the other aspect then the 'self' that I feel comfortable in is out of balance. I need to get a bit uncomfortable and find a larger self. In which case the advice should be 'just be your Self' - with a captital 's' to denote a new improved version.

A Nice Guy does not need to become irresponsible, uncaring or any of the other negative qualities of Male Bastards (as unfortunately advocated by so many sources of advice to men). What a Nice Guy needs is to develop positive traits such as assertiveness, boldness and confidence. Likewise a Male Bastard would be foolish to try and become more insecure, or timid. What a Male Bastard needs is to develop the positive traits of sensitivity, affability and to become a good listener.

Some men find that they go through a phase of experiencing the negative side of their unexpressed nature in order to get a handle on that part of themselves. Nice Guys may seem to become 'uncaring' or whatever; and Male Bastards may seem to become 'needy' and the like. However, it is important to realize that it is just 'a phase' it is not a permanent choice in attitude or lifestyle. It will pass and they will begin to express the positive side of those qualities.

Being A Healthy Man

We all have a Healthy Man inside us. He is a combination of the good qualities that we were born with. We can be both confident and caring. We can choose to be deliberate; and we can choose to be affable. We can be sensitive, assertive, independent, sympathetic, bold, dependable, exciting, and a good listener as the need arises. We can choose to develop and combine all the elements of our nature as men rather than believing that we need to make absolute choices between them.

We don't have to be Nice Guys or Male Bastards. We can be Healthy Men that live dynamic and fulfilling lives able to relate to women, children, and the planet that we live on, in healthy ways.

What do women want?

So, we are back to our first question "What do women want?". I can't speak for women, so best to ask them. However, I think they probably want Healthy Men....

Below are some links to help you in your discovery.

William, webmaster


Links

Don Juan Newsletter Women Respond to the question, "What do women want?" on an dating advice website for men.

What Do Women Really Want? (Sshhhhhh! Come closer... this is a Cosmic Secret) by Dana Peach

Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS Lets be Friends." My observation as a clinician in this field is that women don't want men who push them around, but they do want men who can stand up to them. Balance is the key. Though women are initially drawn to a "sensitive" man, who listens well and is gentle and kind, as the dating progresses, his quietness begins to feel boring or worse, "dweeby." She leaves saying, "let's just be friends."

Report from the Goddess line Scroll half way down the page to get some insights.

What Do Women Really Want? Some women say, in no uncertain terms, just what they want.

What Do Women Really Want? about spritual and sexual needs, by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D.



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